How strong is your faith in what you believe?

I am sitting here this evening, feeling drained, tiered, broken but incredibly stubborn.  Maxi Brain is not as financially stable as I had wished it to be at this juncture.  I am behind in car payments,  I am getting daily phone calls from unlisted numbers asking when my next payment will be and the end of the month is only 3 days away.  Not something you normally want to tell the world, but honestly, I am drowning here folks.

I cant remember the last time I slept or ate a decent meal.  I am living off bread and butter and if I am lucky I will have milk for my coffee or its just black.  Yeah I am hanging on by skin of my ass.  Thank heavens for my son and his girlfriend who spoil me with some veggies and my much needed coffee supply.

Did I see this coming;  honestly;  Yes.  I saw it coming. I did not choose to ignore it - I chose not to give it power. I chose to believe that the position I now find myself in will be temporary and eventually the dawn will break through the evening clouds and I will feel its warmth creeping into my frightened soul.

Today I went to an interview - after all I am highly qualified in a very specialised field and I am damn good at what I do. Its the fastest, easiest, cowards way to get out this situation I now find myself in.    I interviewed with a highly prestigious firm with a salary that was actually allot more than I was earning last year. The trick was to answer the questions right, If I fit into the mold, If I don't speak my truth then that job is a given - its mine.

Try speaking and living the truth for 6 months and then go back to a suite and mold that never fitted well to start with.

I sat there for an hour answering all the standard do you fit in mold questions that you can expect from an interview.  I tried not to speak my truth but I could not bring myself to speak the words that fitted into the mold that was needed.  I sat for an hour answering everything question Speaking my Truth.  I am sure the Interviewer was puzzled and was wondering if she was interviewing the correct applicant.  Oh I knew what to say, I just could not betray myself any longer.

Somewhere in the middle of the interview the very professional lady got up and went to fetch a document which we needed to complete the interview.   At that point I raised my eyes to the ceiling and looked beyond this realm and asked: "Lord, is this really what you want me to be?"  I did not wait for an answer.  I lowered my head, choked back my tears, gathered resolve and saw the rest of the interview through.

How strong is my faith in what I believe to be my truth????   Oh I believe so strongly that Maxi Brain is my life calling and that it will evolve into something so magnificently beneficial for those whose lives its blessed to touch.

What about the money you ask??  I now cling to Jeremiah 29.11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"  

As of today I have created  some new rules for myself.

1. I am only allowed to cry once a day.  A good snot and trane cry - with some ranting and raving, foot stomping, entertain the dog and frighten the cats kinda stuff.  Then I compile myself and I go on.  
2. To be true, open and honest.  Not only with myself but with those around me.  (so follow this space).
3. I will no longer live in fear, I will live in glory of the work that I am doing and the peoples lives that I get to touch.  I am so done with paying interest on a loan I have not taken yet. 

Keep me in your prayers please, send me your good thoughts, cares and love and most of all opportunities for Maxi Brain and I to work in.   Watch as my faith in what I believe conquers all.

My love affair with Porsche

I have always had a little more than an abnormal admiration for Porsche, and if  I had any doubts about my feelings about owning one, the final scene in Bad Boys just sealed my fate - I will own and drive a Porsche in this lifetime and maybe own more than just 1 Porsche.  Why not?

So over the years I have visualised owning this beast of performance, longing to hear the growl of her acceleration, the sexy whistle of her Turbo  and the feel of the G-Force when I pull off from the Stop Street like a 22 year old boy on steroids.

While in this dream state it often dawned on me that working for the man was never going to put my name on the Registration Form of this vehicle.  I would have to work for it myself - this is my symbol of my ultimate accomplishment.

Where is this all going.... 

moving forward a good few years after our first date - on the very day I decided to resign from the security of earning a Fixed Income -  that was the day I started having an affair with everybody else's Porsche in broad daylight.  I was seeing them everywhere.  

Every morning and evening during my 3 month resignation period a Porsche or 2 would pass me on the N1 bringing the hugest smile to my face.  My impure thoughts of being the owner of that car bordered on sin, and my desire to consume and possess the beast was overwhelming.

The clearest most profound moment I had while driving to work one morning was when I started having serious doubts and fears about leaving the safety and security of my job for the exciting wilderness of being an Entrepreneur. 
 I had almost worked myself into a state of manic depression and uncontrollable tears when all of a sudden I saw a Porsche 3.6 Turbo - Bad Boys Model right in front of me.  Red.   When I looked next to me, in the lane by my window - a Porsche Cayenne - Gold - and further ahead in the "fast" lane was a White Porsche Panamera.  Coincidence I think not. 

 My secret visitations with Porsche have become my encouragement and signs from the universe to stay strong and full of vision and excitement - even when I feel like one of the people locked out of Noah's Ark and the rain is starting to pour down.  Porsche is that parent standing next to me, encouraging and assuring me that I am on the right path.

What I have noticed is that everytime I start letting my fears and doubts get the better of me - BAM there is always more than one sighting of my beautiful beasty Porsche.  She whispers longingly in my ear to stay focused on my mission, she is waiting for me, each minute feels like a lifetime.


Yes that Porsche Dealership in Johannesburg is going to join together what no man shall pull apart.  My Porsche 911 Turbo in a Metallic Gun Metal Grey, with Black Interior and me - squealing in delight and way,  and I mean way to much excitement.  There will also be plenty of looking up at the Universe and thanking God for making one Crane Drivers Daughter's dream come true.  

Hello this is the real me

Hello

I hope you follow my blog, because I am going to get naked (not literally) and expose myself (not literally, but got your attention), I am going to expose my soul, my spirit and who I really am to you all over the coming weeks.  I will share my journey with you, some of it damn right funny and other damn right scary.

The purpose of this expose for a shortage of a word:

1. So I can be real and lose my mask for the first time in 44 years - FREEDOM
2. You get the opportunity to know me, the real me, and maybe you will want to stay
3. You wont take people at face value anymore, make assumptions based on what you see or don't see.
4. It might help you identify with some areas of your life that need healing, hell maybe even exposing. (not literally, unless of course you want to )

WHAT I THINK YOU KNOW ME TO BE IN A NUTSHELL

I am a total extrovert. I am the woman who loves to laugh, 80 - 90 % of the time is driving and motivating others, full of mischief and often crosses the "appropriate barrier" when it comes to conversations of a sexual nature.  I always support these statements with a loud laugh and say I was not born on the 5th of November for nothing.

Those of you that know me from my 20's and early 30's will remember me for my ability to dance till dawn with a bottle of Sambuca in hand, being the life of the party and showing no mercy to conformity.

I am NEVER EVER and I mean NEVER EVER going to get married again - its not called an institution for nothing. In fact relationships are for the total birds and I boycott them.  When I hear of people having relationship issues I always retort with a "That is exactly why I am single".

I always seem to be learning something, and have been told by many of you I have "big brains", clever, knowledgeable.

I am crazy mad for my  3 furry children who share my living space with me and I have an adoptive furry daughter which comes for play dates.

I have more than proven my prowess in the World of Careers.  Going in, dominating, changing and developing it.  Getting many an opportunity within my career that many dream of but have yet to experience.

I am fearless, I am always ready to dive into a challenge, take risks and venture into the unknown.

NOW TO BLOW YOU ALL AWAY:

I am a total INTROVERT.  I use massive amounts of energy and force to be who I am in public situations, at work and amongst friends.  I have a total passion for seeing people succeed in life and that's what drives me to be the energy for you and for others who  may need on a bad day.  None of you have asked for me to do this. I want to do it.

When I crash (like I did last Thursday), I have to withdraw from the world and heal and re-energise, myself because I am inclined to run my battery flat at my own peril.  Not from stress or overwork, but always wearing the mask that makes all of you think everything is okay and we can all do this.

I don't like parties, I don't like coffee dates, I don't like going to shopping malls or eating out, I don't like visiting or sleeping over. Some of you may already have picked up on that because I never do any of those things with you and many have had last minute cancellations:  This has become more so over the last 5 years.

PLEASE this has nothing to do with you or you being bad company.  Those of you that I allow to skirt around the boundaries of my life are only there because I love you and care for you.  I just don't want to do coffee, lunch or social stuff. I don't like it.

 I LOVE been alone at home in my safe place with my animals and garden, just being me.  I am never bored with my own company and I have the most amazing conversations with plants, animals, God and my Angels.

Yup, I believe in God, Jesus, Angels, power of Crystals. I don't put God in a Box, I don't take the Bible Literally, I do believe we don't give God enough Credit and Power - after all if we believe in Genesis, then why don't we believe in Angels, Helpers, and Guides?  How sad that we believe God would just leave us to our free will because of something Adam and Eve did - God would never ever abandon us.

I believe I am more than slightly an Empath and I can sense certain situations and peoples energy without anybody saying a word.  I think this helped me alot in my Career because I could use it for my benefit. WRONG WRONG WRONG.   Which could explain why I withdraw so much from public and social events.  It just drains my energy and I cant shake it.

I am now learning Astrology, not your Horoscopes stuff, the real deep Planets, Ascending Starts, etc stuff. It is incredibly powerful.

I suffer from bouts of Major Depression and at times I think about committing Suicide and leaving this World.  In my life I have tried or considered taking my life 3 times.  More about that later.

I dislike Corporate and the games that are played with peoples lives for the sake of getting accolades from Senior Management, for the sake of Profit.  Its falseness, self-serving and wrong.

And as we go on, if you stick around, to either berate or accept who I am I will reveal more of how I came to this space in my life.   I hope you do stick around and if you don't, then thank you for the season you shared in my life.  It has all played a part in my journey.