How strong is your faith in what you believe?

I am sitting here this evening, feeling drained, tiered, broken but incredibly stubborn.  Maxi Brain is not as financially stable as I had wished it to be at this juncture.  I am behind in car payments,  I am getting daily phone calls from unlisted numbers asking when my next payment will be and the end of the month is only 3 days away.  Not something you normally want to tell the world, but honestly, I am drowning here folks.

I cant remember the last time I slept or ate a decent meal.  I am living off bread and butter and if I am lucky I will have milk for my coffee or its just black.  Yeah I am hanging on by skin of my ass.  Thank heavens for my son and his girlfriend who spoil me with some veggies and my much needed coffee supply.

Did I see this coming;  honestly;  Yes.  I saw it coming. I did not choose to ignore it - I chose not to give it power. I chose to believe that the position I now find myself in will be temporary and eventually the dawn will break through the evening clouds and I will feel its warmth creeping into my frightened soul.

Today I went to an interview - after all I am highly qualified in a very specialised field and I am damn good at what I do. Its the fastest, easiest, cowards way to get out this situation I now find myself in.    I interviewed with a highly prestigious firm with a salary that was actually allot more than I was earning last year. The trick was to answer the questions right, If I fit into the mold, If I don't speak my truth then that job is a given - its mine.

Try speaking and living the truth for 6 months and then go back to a suite and mold that never fitted well to start with.

I sat there for an hour answering all the standard do you fit in mold questions that you can expect from an interview.  I tried not to speak my truth but I could not bring myself to speak the words that fitted into the mold that was needed.  I sat for an hour answering everything question Speaking my Truth.  I am sure the Interviewer was puzzled and was wondering if she was interviewing the correct applicant.  Oh I knew what to say, I just could not betray myself any longer.

Somewhere in the middle of the interview the very professional lady got up and went to fetch a document which we needed to complete the interview.   At that point I raised my eyes to the ceiling and looked beyond this realm and asked: "Lord, is this really what you want me to be?"  I did not wait for an answer.  I lowered my head, choked back my tears, gathered resolve and saw the rest of the interview through.

How strong is my faith in what I believe to be my truth????   Oh I believe so strongly that Maxi Brain is my life calling and that it will evolve into something so magnificently beneficial for those whose lives its blessed to touch.

What about the money you ask??  I now cling to Jeremiah 29.11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"  

As of today I have created  some new rules for myself.

1. I am only allowed to cry once a day.  A good snot and trane cry - with some ranting and raving, foot stomping, entertain the dog and frighten the cats kinda stuff.  Then I compile myself and I go on.  
2. To be true, open and honest.  Not only with myself but with those around me.  (so follow this space).
3. I will no longer live in fear, I will live in glory of the work that I am doing and the peoples lives that I get to touch.  I am so done with paying interest on a loan I have not taken yet. 

Keep me in your prayers please, send me your good thoughts, cares and love and most of all opportunities for Maxi Brain and I to work in.   Watch as my faith in what I believe conquers all.